Mother’s Day Is Hard After Losing Your Mom

If you’re unaware of all the hype surrounding Mother’s Day, you’ve probably been living under a rock somewhere. Frankly, I wouldn’t mind it if you wanted to trade places with me until it was all over. Mother’s Day has become one of the days that I dread the most each year. It’s right up there with Father’s Day. You see, I have lost both of my parents, my dad in 2010 and my mom in 2018. And if you are currently navigating life after such loss, you understand why Mother’s Day is exquisitely painful after losing your mom.

My mom was a quiet strength in my life. I am who I am today because of her. She was beautiful, quiet, elegant, and soft-spoken. In every room that she walked into, she brought grace and poise. She was the perfect example of what a wife and a mother should be. Her advice was always practical, and her love was unconditional. She protected me fiercely. And I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that she would have done anything for me. She made me laugh, and yes, she even made me cry. She taught me how to love and how to receive it gracefully. Above all, her love for God was pure and true, and her faith was unshakeable.

As an educator, she was a role model to the countless children she taught throughout her distinguished teaching career. I believe that teaching was her true calling, not only because it led her to meet the man of her dreams but also because she had the opportunity to touch many lives. Indeed, her contribution to the community lives on in the hopes and dreams of her students.

See related post: 21 Important Life Lessons I Learned From My Parents

Losing your mom is something you can’t emotionally prepare for

“The certainty of death and the uncertainty of the hour of death is a source of grief throughout our life.” – Edgar Morin

I was fortunate that my mother lived until she was 71. I got married in my late twenties and moved away with my husband to the USA, where he was born and raised. So, my mom and I were thousands of miles apart for the last 16 years of her life and didn’t see each other very often. Although I was happy to be with the love of my life, when I left Trinidad and Tobago, the country of my birth, I left behind a huge chunk of my heart. Family was an integral part of my being. We were close, and being apart was always very difficult.

I was unable to be with my mom when she was admitted to the hospital a few days before her passing. I’m grateful that my brother, an incredibly gifted physician, was able to let me know that things weren’t looking promising. I left for the airport the following day, having booked the earliest possible flight I could. I took my daughter with me. We left the boys behind.

Feelings of anxiety and anticipation rushed over me when we arrived at the airport as I felt just a little bit closer to getting home. I was desperate to be with my beautiful mom so that she would find comfort and peace in my presence. I was desperate for us to be together again, even if it was in a hospital room. But as fate would have it, she left this earthly realm just as we arrived at our departure gate.

Saying goodbye

As I watched my sweet daughter sobbing uncontrollably at the news of my mom’s passing, I felt helpless and stricken with an all too familiar grief. It was the same feeling of sadness that I had experienced eight years before when my dad passed away. And as I sat there in that cold, unfamiliar airport, I felt cheated and very much alone. I realized that I had now lost both of my parents.

I knew that visits back home would never be the same, and I would never hear my mom’s tender voice ever again. Everything inside of me felt broken, and I wanted to scream and cry out loud, but I kept it in for the sake of my child, my child, who loved her grandmother with everything in her.

The plane ride home felt like an eternity, and when we finally arrived, somehow, home felt cold and uninviting. My world had just been shattered into a million pieces, and my heart had been dealt an undeniable blow. I wasn’t sure if I would recover.

The ensuing days were a blur as we said our goodbyes. At the crematorium, as the staff took my mom, feelings of trepidation and panic set in. I wanted to see her just a little bit longer, feel her there just a little bit longer, and touch her just a little bit longer. I was finally enveloped by total grief, and the tears fell relentlessly down my face.

Mother’s Day and the emotions it brings

As the world eagerly anticipates Mother’s Day to celebrate moms everywhere, I sit here wishing I could fast forward right past it. As a child, I could never envisage a world without my parents, but it is my reality now. I am happy that countless others are still able to celebrate their mothers. But I am sad that this particular day brings with it a bag of unwanted emotions for me.

As a mother myself, my feelings create a confusing sentiment regarding Mother’s Day. I try not to let my kids see a projection of my inner turmoil. On the one hand, I want to be able to receive the love from my kids, but on the other hand, I just want to sit in a dark corner moping and reminiscing about my mom.

I don’t want to see the Mother’s Day ads on tv, and I don’t want to hear about the plans people make. And I certainly don’t want to get on social media that day because my emotions and feelings of loss might get the better of me.

Handling my emotions has become easier with the passage of time, but if you have suffered loss, you will understand that emotional triggers can be quite unexpected sometimes.

How to cope on Mother’s Day

Let me start by saying that getting through Mother’s Day can be exceedingly difficult. I have had to make a conscientious effort to look at things differently. I have had to sort out my emotions so I can approach the day with more positive than negative feelings.

Here are some questions I ask myself:

• What would my mom want for me on Mother’s Day?: Sadness or joy.
• Do I want my children to see my sadness?: Yes and no. I want them to know that I miss my mom. I know they do too. But I also want them to know that I love them enough to be receptive to the love and attention they have to offer on this day.
• Should I mope, or should I instead do something to honor my mother’s memory on this day?: The answer is clear. Turn the negative into a positive.
• Should I be grateful to have had such an incredible mom or hate the universe for taking her away?: Be thankful at all times.
• Should I be thankful that my husband and children were able to experience the love that my mother offered?: Yes! We were all so fortunate to have been loved by her.
• Should I be angry that she’s gone?: No. This is an unnecessary burden to carry around. It will eat away at my soul and rob me of happiness. My mom lived a full and wonderful life, and she wouldn’t want me to carry such a burden for the rest of my life.
• Should I be jealous that other people still have their moms?: I’ll be lying if I said that I wasn’t sometimes. But instead of letting that steal my joy, I choose to be happy for these people. Challenging but worth it.

In conclusion

As Mother’s Day approaches, you won’t find me putting together a list of gift ideas for moms. Honestly, doing something like that will just be too painful to bear. Instead, I will use my time to gather my strength to deal with the onslaught of Mother’s Day greetings that will inevitably invade my place of comfort. I will purposefully draw on the strength that my mother gave me to see things in a positive light. I will honor my mother’s memory with the grace and fortitude I learned from watching her.

Even though thinking of her on Mother’s Day may precipitate a wave of emotions, I will do it because she deserves to be remembered. She has left an indelible mark on the hearts of everyone she knew. I will hold my hand to my heart on this and every Mother’s Day and blow kisses to heaven because she taught me to love in every situation.

And to all of you out there celebrating this special day, Happy Mother’s Day.

To those of you who will be remembering the mom you lost, you are not alone. I am thinking of you.

Mom, I know that you are always near. You live on in my heart and mind from now until the day I, too, take my last breath. You were the most incredible mom a girl could ever ask for, and I am truly honored and grateful to have shared my life with you. Thank you for being my mom, my hero. Till we meet again………..