My College Kid Came Home For The Holidays- Valuable Lessons I Learned

I sent my firstborn off to college in August of last year. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. There I was, sending my kid off into the big bad world all by himself! Despite the sheer horror of that reality, I knew one thing. He would soar! My sweet boy is extroverted and brilliant, and he is a go-getter. As an introverted mom, he always made me stray way out of my comfort zone. As terrifying as that was at times, I must have done something right! My college kid came home for the holidays, and it was clear. That kid that I drove away from that sad day in August was long gone.

The holidays can be tough

The holidays bring a mixed bag of emotions for me. On the one hand, there is excitement and anticipation, and on the other hand, there is sadness and despair. Like many who have suffered loss, I sometimes can’t stop the flood of emotions during the holidays. Even the smallest of events can trigger these feelings.

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I grew up in Trinidad and Tobago, and Christmas time there was incredibly special. Even though my family didn’t do anything lavish, it always turned out to be the best time of the year. My parents would go all out with the food and decorations. More importantly, they always made time to give back to the people in their lives.

They would get up early on Christmas morning and head out to share goodies they had baked with their friends and family. It wasn’t an extravagant gesture by any means, but it was incredibly inspirational to me as a child. I remember these things with sadness and pride every Christmas. I miss my parents, who have both passed away.

Home for the holidays

I try my best to keep up the traditions that we had back in my childhood, but I also created new ones for my own family. One of those is waiting until everyone is available to put up Christmas decorations. This Christmas, that meant waiting for my son to return home from college. Our decorations, as a result, went up pretty late, but we were able to uphold our little family tradition of doing it together.

My son has the unique privilege of having friends at college who also live in our hometown. For him, it is the absolute best of two worlds! They spend their days (and nights) at college together and can still hang out when visiting home.

I’ve heard of so many kids who have a hard time adjusting to college life and end up being sad and alone. My child isn’t one of them, and for that, I am truly grateful. My heart aches for these kids who are already so far away from home. As a parent, your heart breaks when your child is unhappy, and it can be tough when you can’t physically be there for your child. When my kiddo came home for the holidays, I hugged him tightly, knowing he was alright.

A Jealous Mom

I’m a jealous mom. I’ll be the first to admit it. I NEEDED to be there during the first few years of my kids’ lives. This mama didn’t want to miss a thing! I would have hated missing hearing them say their first words or seeing them take their first steps. I may not be the best record-keeper, and the timeline may be a bit fuzzy, but I EXPERIENCED those moments with my kids, and for that, I am genuinely grateful.

Needless to say, as my kids get older, it is becoming more and more challenging to keep them to myself! I’m possessive, but I’m not a moron. I know that I have to let them go. But if you’re a parent, you know just how I feel. Right?

Hard Truths I had To Face This Visit

• I am not the center of his universe anymore

From the moment I knew my son existed in my womb, I knew he would be in my heart forever. And at that moment, when the nurse placed his tiny body in my arms, I knew I was his entire world. And to every mother, this is everything. To every mother, the knowledge that this holds true for many years to come serves as a symbol of responsibility and a source of contentment.

Fast forward to the college years; where did the time go? In rushes the stark reality of our current situation. I am no longer the center of my son’s universe. I am left heartbroken and in despair, but I am forced to take a hard look at our lives and re-evaluate my place in his world. It’s either this or condemn myself to days of feeling less than myself, which I refuse to do. After all, wasn’t it my duty to be there for this child at all times?

The harsh reality

As I mentioned earlier, my son’s closest friends at college also live in our hometown. It’s great for him. For me, not so much. Here’s why. Simply put, his friends at college are now his family too. To know that he has a support system while away from home means the world to me. He has meals with these friends, does chores with them, and does fun things with them. These are things that families do together. It is an incredible thing to have while away studying at college. But I did say that I was a jealous mom, right?

I was looking forward to my kid coming home for the holidays. I would have a chance to spend some quality time with him, and I was over the moon with joy and anticipation. But as the days went by during his stay, it became abundantly clear that what I expected of this visit was just a fairytale.

The stark reality was that our son wanted to spend time with us, but he also needed his new family as well. Initially, my husband and I were hurt and felt a little cheated. We thought that we should be his priority, not the friends he just spent an entire semester with. After all, why should they get to spend so much time with him? We didn’t like what felt like coming in second. It hurt like hell.

My husband and I were forced to take a step back and take a long, hard look at the situation at hand. Self-evaluation is hard, but it is critical and necessary to normal functioning in a world in which every facet can be distracting and chaotic.

The Turning Of The Tides

We were no longer the center of our son’s universe. This was incredibly difficult to acknowledge, but it put everything in perspective when we did. It felt good, and it was like having the proverbial burden lifted off our shoulders. As the days went by, we allowed ourselves and our son more grace. We put ourselves in his shoes and tried to see things his way. The mood changed, and the feelings of sadness and resentment fell away and made space for acceptance and understanding. Hallelujah!

• Some important house rules just didn’t apply anymore

College life is probably like living the dream, especially for kids with strict parents. After all, no parents are there telling them what to do, and there is no actual curfew. For the most part, we have been reasonable when making rules for our household. Yes, we do have a curfew, we give chores, and we need to know where our kids are at all times in case they run into any trouble. I think that’s fair and incredibly generous, don’t you?

My daughter is like me, introverted, and quite the homebody, so these rules rarely apply to her. But, to our extroverted college kid, they ALL apply, or at least they did before college. When he came home for the holidays, we re-evaluated our house rules and made some amendments.

Of no fault of his own, my son felt like he could continue going about as he pleases in college. After all, this is his current modus operandi; this is how he rolls!

Friendly reminders

Thankfully all my son needed was a gentle reminder of how to function in the family unit. We thought that this reminder was timely, as it would set the tone not only for this visit but for future visits as well.

Instead of laying down the law, we acknowledged that we were aware of how he was used to doing things on campus. We weren’t expecting drastic changes, but we did need to work as a cohesive unit to prevent any unnecessary tension in the family. We were ok with him going out, and we would not enforce a curfew. However, we still needed to be informed about his whereabouts, the company he was keeping, and whether or not he would be coming home that night or staying over at a friend’s house. Reasonable right?

• My son doesn’t need me that much anymore

This one, this one right here, is any mom’s nightmare! It’s like losing your job, except worse! To be fair, my son has been quite independent for a while now. This assured me that he would do well at college, away from the family. But when all is said and done, it doesn’t make accepting the fact that he doesn’t need me as much any easier. But I will take this any day because the alternative would be a sad, disheartened child who may not make the most of his college experience because his yearning for family is too great.

Our job as parents isn’t over

I guess we have done our job as parents. We have raised an independent child who can go off into the world and conquer it. Now we must take a step back and give our son the space that he deserves and has earned. We can be proud knowing that we did a good job.

But as you know, parenting isn’t over just because your kid is in college, not by a longshot! There will be times when he will need us, and we will be there for him. There will be times when we may see him making poor choices, and we will step in. We hope that he knows that we will always be in his corner, no matter what.

• The world keeps turning even if we are apart

I learned this lesson when I got married and moved to the US. It’s a difficult, life-changing event to go through because being apart from the ones you love can be very difficult. Unless you let other people into your world, no one knows about the emotional rollercoaster you are on. And even if people are there to support you, life goes on no matter what. It is up to you to maintain a connection with the people you have left behind.

Regular communication is important

And so, my husband and I make sure that we communicate regularly with our son. As a result, he knows that we are there for him, and the lines of communication are kept open. We make sure that we don’t become a nuisance texting and calling all the time because the kid needs his space!

I’ll let you in on a little secret, though. When my son first moved into his dorm, I tested him. I refrained from calling and texting to see how long he would take to reach out, or for that matter, if he would even reach out at all! And he did! It was my selfish way of finding out if he missed me. I just had to know! It’s just the mommy in me!

In conclusion

Parenting is hard work! Sending your child off to college is difficult, but readjusting to them being back home on a break can also present its challenges.

I think the most important lesson that I have learned is the fluidity of life and its circumstances. We, as parents, have to be able to adjust our thinking where our kids are concerned. We cannot be afraid to take a hard look at ourselves to make sure that every situation we go into is dealt with appropriately while respecting all parties involved.

Have you sent any kids off to college? I would love to hear about your experiences when your kids come back for a break. So please, drop me a comment. I’d really appreciate your input!