Practical Struggles Of The Introvert Mom In Today’s World

Some of the best moments of my life are spent alone. For years I wondered what was wrong with me. Why is it so difficult to make friends? Why do I prefer to sit alone in my car at soccer games instead of hanging out with the other moms? Why do social events drain me? The moment I realized that I was an introverted mom, my adult life was put into perspective and I could finally come to terms with who I was. I’ve read that you’re born an introvert, but genetics is only a part of it. Your environment also plays a role in how you turn out. My childhood and young adult life were pretty “normal” and I didn’t seem to exhibit the characteristics of an introvert during those years, at least I don’t think so. I noticed big changes when I migrated to the USA and when I became a mom. At first, I was convinced that it was just a matter of adjusting to my changing reality but when I found myself still struggling with the same issues years after the move, and years after my children were born, I knew I needed to dig deeper to find some answers. When I came to the realization that I was in fact an introvert, I was able to start accepting myself for who I was. Don’t get me wrong, the struggles of being an introverted mom are still there but now I have a better understanding of who I am and why I react differently to others around me in similar situations. I’m not a weirdo and I’m not even anti-social. I’m just me, and the more I get to know me as Vicky, the introvert, the more I appreciate and commend Vicky, the mom, on an awesome job raising her kids!

How to tell if you’re an introvert

• You NEED alone time

Some people find the thought of alone time horrifying. It makes them uncomfortable and seems to provide them with no benefit. I on the other hand, absolutely LOVE alone time, and as an introvert, let me say, I THRIVE on it. I love spending time with my husband and kids but I have to tell you, if I happen to get a few hours to myself, I feel like I’m holding a VIP pass to the best party in town! I get incredibly excited, and for a long time, I thought that I just didn’t like having people around. The thing is, that’s not it at all. I just need this time alone to recharge and rejuvenate my being. I get to do whatever I want in solitude and it gives me the nourishment that I need. I can choose to read a book, fiddle around on my phone, clean something, do laundry or even do nothing at all, that’s my call to make and I NEED these moments of solitude like I need air to breathe.

• You have a few solid friendships

Thinking back on my life, I realized that at any given time, I only had a few solid friendships and I was completely okay with that. Fast forward to my current state of blissful motherhood and nothing has changed. I love talking to people, but it takes time and energy to build a rock-solid friendship, at least for me, and it can be a little exhausting. I may have all the right intentions but if we don’t click and I feel like it’s taking too much out of me to foster the relationship, I’m done. I know it sounds a bit awful and for years, I felt like something was wrong with me, that I was asking too much of people and not giving enough in return. The truth is, for us introverts, clicking with someone is one thing, but then comes letting them into your world that you have so closely guarded your whole life. Your thoughts, your emotions, and your whole being are now shared facets of your existence, and that in itself can be overwhelming. And let’s face it, some people just want friends that they can have fun with, but for us introverts, having a friend digs past any of that superficiality. That’s not to say that we can’t have fun but we crave meaningful relationships with the people we spend our time with. We are always searching for that special someone that just gets us and accepts us for who we are.

• You don’t like small-talk

Imagine my utter excitement when I found out that there were other people out there who felt the same way! I LOATHE small talk. I find it unstimulating and incredibly boring. I don’t want to talk about the weather because frankly, it tells me nothing about you. It all goes back to fostering meaningful relationships. I may never see you again, but I want to gain something of substance from our encounter. I want to know YOU. I want my time spent with you to be worthwhile for the two of us, and I want to walk away with a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction that we didn’t waste each other’s time and energy. Small talk creates this imaginary barrier between people and robs them of the chance to connect at a deeper level. I’ll admit, I’m not very good at making small talk. Maybe if I was better at it, I could use it as a stepping stone to deeper and more meaningful conversations with people, instead of getting instantly turned off. As a result, I try to put my very strong feelings on small talk aside and go with the flow, in the hope that it will eventually lead to deeper conversations. By the time I’m through doing that though, I’m exhausted!

• Social engagements can be exhausting for you

While the extrovert thrives in this particular setting, we, the introverts find ourselves drained and all pooped-out way before things start winding down. Does that mean we are not having fun? Not at all! I love getting together with people on occasion but I prefer when the gathering is small and not too long. I get mentally depleted with multiple interactions. A lot goes on in this little head of mine! Many steps are taken before my thoughts get converted to words and much energy is spent to align those thoughts and ideas with the appropriate tone and emotion that would make conversations pleasant AND useful. To the extrovert, it can seem like a futile task to go through so much effort, after all, their words just seem to effortlessly roll off their tongue; but to the introvert, it is not only a necessary evil but it is also INCREDIBLY important. Fun? I’m all for it, but you can bet your bottom dollar that before the night is over, I’ll be earnestly craving my alone time.

• You make plans but try to get out of them

If I had to pick one characteristic that singled me out as an introvert, this would be it. This is so me. I value all of the human connections I have, I really do, but you’d never know that if you were a fly on the wall watching me trying to find any excuse in the book to get out of meeting up with people. I berate myself for making plans in the first place and I bestow importance on the silliest of things that would give me an out. Like, can’t the laundry wait till tomorrow? Umm, yes it can, but nobody needs to know that right? I sound like an awful person, but I promise you that I’m slightly likable. In my heart, when I make plans, I have the best of intentions, I really do. As an introvert, trying to get out of things can lead to self-shaming. It is so important to avoid this at all costs, as it can be detrimental to you and how you perceive yourself. To my dear friends reading this, you are loved and appreciated. Please don’t take it personally when I don’t make myself available, I am just an introvert doing what she does best.

• You possess self-awareness

Remember when I said that I’ve got a lot going on in my tiny head? Sometimes it feels almost like a curse to be as introspective as I am but believe me, it truly is a gift, and I accept it with open arms. Being self-aware means being completely in tune with who you are as an individual. I am always examining the experiences I have in my life, before they happen, during the actual event, and after. I examine my interactions with people and how I react in different situations. I examine my faults, and even if those are hard to own up to at times, I am aware of their existence and the unique ways that they affect my being. I know who I am, I know what I believe in and I acknowledge that I am not perfect. I believe that because of this gift I am less impulsive and better equipped to make decisions.

What types of struggles do introverted moms have?

• You cringe when your child gets invited to a birthday party

Most people would see this as an opportunity to meet new people. Not me, definitely not me. My kids are 16 and 17 now and so they pretty much do things without me. I never realized why I couldn’t wait for my kids to get older until they did. All of a sudden, I wasn’t needed to take them places. Not only can my son do the driving but I am not placed in situations that push me way out of my comfort zone. Don’t get me wrong, if it’s something I need to attend, I’ll go. You’ll probably just catch me hanging around in the back of the room and taking everything in from a distance.

• You cringe when parent volunteers are needed

My kids are my pride and joy and when they have functions or sporting events at school, you can be assured that I will show up. I won’t even try to get out of it! It’s for my kids and I think they know that mommy will show up to cheer them on any day. It’s when that email shows up in my inbox, requesting a sign-up to volunteer, is when I cringe a little. Again, I’ll do it if I have to, but rest assured that I’ll be trying to get out of it! It’s in my nature, I’m an introvert.

• You are misjudged

As an introvert, you are quiet and reserved, and often this can lead to unfair judgments on your character as being stuck-up or unfriendly. I assure you that I am neither of those things! The social setting is just hard for me and quite exhausting, bear with me.

• You have difficulty making connections or friendships

This piggy-backs off the last point. Would you befriend someone that you thought was unfriendly? Even I wouldn’t. It all comes down to this, don’t judge and form opinions of people until you’ve given them the light of day. Who knows, that introvert over there sitting quietly by herself could be your next BFF! Give people a chance, you owe it to them and you owe it to yourself.

• You end up feeling alone and disconnected

While I love being alone, I don’t like feeling lonely. Nobody does. Being lonely means that you don’t have anyone in your corner, cheering you on, and accepting you for the beautiful, incredible individual that you are. This often happens to us introverts because we are misjudged and not given a fair chance at forging relationships. Help a girl out, will you?

• You can’t always get the alone time that you need

For the introvert, alone time is not only desired, but it is required for rejuvenation. All of the activities of the day such as work, appointments, and phone calls take a toll on us as they require interaction after interaction. We get exhausted, and unlike our extrovert counterparts who can simply go out with friends for a drink and feel invigorated, we need our solitude, desperately. Unfortunately, a mom’s work is never done, and some days it may be impossible to get some time to yourself. What this means for the introvert is that they become fatigued and overwhelmed and when the next day comes, things seem way more difficult to do than they really are.

• You become easily overwhelmed

It’s tough being an introvert, and things get even harder when you become a mom. It is easy to become overwhelmed, especially if you cannot find the alone time you need to recharge. It is something that you must try your hardest to keep at bay because things start to unravel around you if you don’t. It is imperative that you know your limits and capabilities and that you MAKE time for yourself. The great thing about this is that as an introvert, you are very self-aware and can identify your limitations. What’s hard for us introverts is reaching out and asking for help. Do it! There is no shame in that.

• You are your worst critic

Self-awareness can unfortunately come at a price. It is an incredible superpower to have but when used in the wrong way it can be detrimental. Use it to effect positive change but DO NOT use it to be self-critical to the point that you feel hopeless.

• You struggle to parent your extroverted child

My son is my VERY extroverted child, and we are like night and day, except for the fact that he inherited my incredible good looks. He desires social interaction as much as I crave my solitude. He finds it difficult to comprehend how anyone would WANT to be alone or do things alone. For him, it’s all about his friends and engaging in multiple activities. When he was younger it was difficult to provide him with what he needed all of the time but as he grew older, became independent, and learned to drive, the burden was lifted somewhat. We do live in somewhat different realities, and my struggles to tend to the needs of my extrovert child still exist but because of his age and maturity, we have reached a compromise that is palatable to us both.

My whole perspective changed when I realized that I was an introverted mom. It ended a vicious cycle of self-deprecation and I was able to start accepting me for who I am. I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have been my entire life but the challenges of being an introvert remain. I just deal with them more effectively now, or at least I try!