How To Keep Your Sanity While Raising A Teen With Depression

How does depression manifest in a teenager?

Depression is more prevalent among teenagers than most people realize. When my daughter was diagnosed with depression, it changed everything. I am now raising a teenager who is especially fragile to the pressures of normal life. Now, it is a day-to-day battle to ensure not only her mental well-being but mine as well. You see, knowing that your child is in such a vulnerable place takes a toll on a parent. Every parent wants to see their child happy all the time, enjoying things that kids enjoy, and having a positive outlook on life. Some days, it just won’t be that way. Some days it’s a struggle for her to just get out of bed. I am thankful for the medical care that she has received because she has come a long way and is learning how to live a more fruitful life despite her diagnosis. It was tough in the beginning, really tough, not only for her but for my husband and me as well.

• Declining grades

Before her diagnosis, Aria was getting good grades at school. She was getting homework done when at home and completing assignments as required at school. Then things started changing. Assignments started getting missed and incomplete work was getting turned in. Her grades started slipping, and as all of this began happening, she became more and more overwhelmed.

• Mood changes

People always say that my daughter is very friendly and that she is always smiling. It warms my heart to hear this because I believe in the power of a smile. I started to see those smiles less often just around the time her grades started slipping. Her mood was more volatile. It ranged from sadness to anger to irritability. There would be times when she would have bouts of uncontrollable crying. This can leave you, as the parent feeling helpless.

• Feelings of guilt

These can be about anything. Aria expressed feelings of guilt mainly about her depression and how it made her behave. She felt guilty that her school work was suffering. She felt guilty that she couldn’t keep it together and that things were falling apart right in front of her.

• Feelings of hopelessness

As with feelings of guilt, these can be about anything as well. Hopelessness and guilt can go hand-in-hand to create a very vicious cycle of negativity that may seem too difficult for the depressed person to break. My daughter’s feelings of hopelessness also centered around her diagnosis. She felt at times that getting simple things done was incredibly difficult and it led her to think that if she couldn’t get simple stuff done, she couldn’t get anything done.

• Difficulty concentrating

This had a role to play in the declining grades that we noticed. Aria was consistently overwhelmed and found it very difficult to focus her attention on individual tasks.

• Low self-esteem

Being a teenager in this day and age is tough. Kids are bombarded with countless images and text on social media about things like body image and looking good. Some teenagers just don’t feel like they can ever measure up. Having a daughter who has low self-esteem is a challenge, but it is pertinent that as a parent you address this as a matter of importance. Make it a point to remind your child of all of her good qualities. Tell her how much she is appreciated and loved. Let her know that her diagnosis doesn’t define her.

• Decreased interest in partaking in social activities with friends or family

Aria just wanted to stay at home. She LOVES shopping but even when her friends asked her to go shopping, she would decline. I’m happy that even though she chose to stay at home, she hung out with us and didn’t just go up to her room to be alone. That showed me, that during this difficult time, we were giving her companionship that she desperately wanted and needed.

• Poor grooming

Aria has beautiful hair. It is VERY long. Believe me when I say that I have, on multiple occasions in the past, been tempted to chop it all off because it can be very time-consuming to take care of. When she started taking care of it herself, I gained a renewed appreciation for its beauty. When all of her symptoms of depression began, she started brushing it less and less. She was constantly fatigued and had no interest in keeping it tidy. It was a struggle to get her to do simple everyday tasks like brushing her teeth and showering because she just didn’t have the energy or desire to do those things.

• Appetite changes

There may be an increase or decrease in appetite. Aria’s appetite mostly increased. She was finding comfort in the food that she was eating. At times, when she felt especially sad, she would lose her appetite altogether.

• Changes in sleep pattern

Getting a teenager on a sleep schedule is challenging in itself. Throw in a diagnosis of depression and everything goes out of whack. How do you feel when you don’t get enough sleep? I feel like a total wreck, and my whole day is pretty much ruined. Can you imagine what this is like for a teenager who is already feeling overwhelmed and unable to normally function? It is tough to witness. My daughter was having insomnia and I wasn’t able to help her. Because she was unable to sleep, her mind would wander and fuel her thoughts of guilt, hopelessness, and helplessness. For other kids though, the opposite can happen. Sleeping may be increased. That is not a good thing either.

• Suicidal thoughts and ideation

This is a scary one for a parent and one that needs to be addressed IMMEDIATELY if it occurs. I make sure that my daughter and I are always keeping the channels of communication open. We talk about feelings a lot. It helps her and it helps me.

Disclaimer: These are our personal experiences with our teenage daughter who has depression. There may be other symptoms that occur. I urge you to do your research if you need more information and seek the appropriate care when necessary.

How to cope as you parent your depressed teenager

• Accept the reality of the situation

Don’t live in denial about what your child is going through. Accept that it is real, not only for them but for you too. Denial will only hinder a good outcome because you will not be able to provide the kind of support that your child needs.

• Be informed

When you go to your child’s mental health appointments, pay attention. Make sure to ask questions. Do your research on the subject, get all the facts so that you will know what to expect. If your child has been prescribed medication, make sure you know what it is and how they should be using it. Arm yourself with knowledge, knowledge is power.

• Find a support system for yourself

The reality is that it can be quite exhausting parenting a depressed teen. You are dealing with their uncontrolled mood swings and feeling mentally tormented by feelings of helplessness as you watch your child go through this. Let me just say to you right now, “You’ve got this my friend and, you are not alone.” There are countless people around the world going through similar situations and it is imperative that we find a community of people who can understand exactly what we are going through. With the advent of social media, this has become easier to do and if that is not your cup of tea, then seek out support groups where you live. Stay connected to family and friends who you know will be there for you, not only when you need to talk but when you need them there physically. If you feel that this is not enough, get counseling for yourself and your family. There is NO shame in that and it is NOT a sign of weakness.

• Positive affirmations

Positive affirmations are positive phrases or complete statements that are used to oppose negative or worthless thoughts. Even though using these may seem silly or awkward at first, it will be worth your time to keep at it. They give you a sense of control, put things in perspective, and can offer peace during difficult times.

Here are a few that I came up with to help me:

I am strong and capable of dealing with any situation that presents itself today.

I love my children and I am willing and able to take care of them.

Depression is a diagnosis, I understand what is required of me to help my child through it.

I will try to be more patient today.

I will not say anything to my child that could make her depression worse.

I will continue to strive to be the best parent that I can be in my particular situation and not worry about what others may think or say.

• Spend time with your spouse or partner

Chances are your spouse knows how to make you laugh, so laugh! Laughter is good for the soul. Go out on a date and make a point of keeping the topic of your child’s depression out of the conversation. Please don’t feel guilty when you do that. You may feel like you are not giving it the attention that it deserves but you do that every single minute of every day. It is OKAY to enjoy some time with your spouse talking about lighter topics.

• Watch a funny movie

You can do this with the family or you can do it by yourself. Laugh out loud if you need to, give yourself permission to live and be happy.

• Listen to your favorite songs

I love music from the 1980s! The songs take me back to a time when I was young and free and happy. Recapture the feelings that your favorite music brings out in you. Maybe it relaxes you, maybe it encourages you or maybe it just leaves you feeling content, whatever it does for you, accept it.

• Exercise

Our family goes to the gym together. My daughter says the gym helps her cope with her depression. She says it improves her mood, gives her a fitness goal (goals are important for your depressed teenager), and helps with her self-esteem. She makes us go every day! I don’t mind though because it doesn’t just help her, it helps all of us. My husband also has depression and going to the gym is a great tool in his arsenal, besides medication, that keeps the symptoms of depression at bay. Oh yeah, and I need to lose a few pounds. It’s a win-win for all!

• Make time everyday to do something that relaxes you

As an introvert, this one is simple for me. I just want to sit quietly doing nothing at all. I may do a crossword, or watch my favorite soap opera, The Bold And The Beautiful. That relaxes me simply because no effort is required. As an introvert, alone time is a must for me. This may look different for you depending on what you like. Get a massage, get a pedicure or a manicure (or both!), or get some retail therapy in. Whatever floats your boat, do it!

• Drink your coffee!

I know a LOT of you out there are coffee drinkers. I am. I’m not picky about it. Growing up where I did, on the island of Trinidad and Tobago in the Caribbean, my family’s choice of coffee was Nescafe. I’ve continued the tradition and I enjoy this brand the most. This is not to say that I won’t try something new, but it’s just my preference. So drink that coffee, enjoy it and let it relax you and get you ready for your day ahead.

If you think your child may be experiencing some of the signs and symptoms that my daughter did, please research further and get him/her evaluated. Now that my daughter is taking her medication, and regularly seeing her doctor and therapist, she has started getting the upper hand on her illness. There is nothing wrong with you or your child if he/she gets diagnosed with depression. It happens, you just have to take the necessary steps as a parent to get the symptoms under control. I can’t stress to you enough that patience is key. It can be quite a difficult situation for the whole family but taking control is possible. Most of all, as you care for your depressed child, don’t forget to take care of yourself. You need to be physically, emotionally and, mentally well to be present for your child.